The why, the where and the when.

I have just read a blog about near death experiences, out of body experiences, and what happens when we die.
I have been thinking a lot about death this last year. Almost 12 months ago, a close friend passed away after battling cancer, and 9 months ago, my dear Grandad passed away with health complications relating to alzheimers - needless to say, it's been a tough year for friends and family.

Since Mark and Grandad have gone, I have found it quite difficult to talk openly about death. I am not sure if it is because I am still grieving, or if it is some sort of fear, but it is difficult for me to comprehend. I thought I might try writing about it here. I know I might not get any answers, but maybe I will gain some clarity and perspective?

Let me tell you about Mark.

Mark was a great guy. We called him Cabbage - I think it stemmed back to school days, because his hair seemed to resemble a cabbage!
He married one of my best friends, Sara, on May 29th 2011. It was an amazing day, and I had the honour and privelidge of being their only bridesmaid.
The wedding was a very grand affair - if you knew Mark, then you know that if he was going to do something, he would only do it properly - all or nothing.
The sun was shining, everyone was in great spirits, and it was such a special day.
They say you cannot see love, only feel it, but I SAW love that day. I actually saw it.
When Sara and Mark took to the dance floor for their first dance as husband and wife, tears were streaming down my face - I could honestly see their love. They were so happy!

It just doesnt seem right to me that Mark should have to leave us just over 6 weeks later.
Why did he have to go? Where has he gone? He was only 31!!! I don't understand how he can be here, and then not.
Can he still see us? Can he hear us? Is he with Sara all the time? Does he visit her?

I can only hope so.

Sara has been amazing throughout. It has been such a difficult year for her, but she has coped and continues to cope with such strength, dignity and grace. I know that wherever Mark is, he would be so proud of her.

Can you understand why I feel so confused? Sara and Mark were the perfect couple. Mark was a good person. Sara is a good person. Why did their lives have to suffer? Why did Mark get taken?

I try to tell myself that Mark was obviously needed elsewhere, but its wearing a bit thin now, because I can't answer where he was needed more than here. I hope that wherever he is, he is loved and appreciated, because he is loved, appreciated and missed here so much.

These thoughts have been swimming in my head for the best part of the last 12 months. At first, they haunted me, to the extent that whenever I stopped for a moment, lost in thought, then that is what my thoughts always went to.
Even now, I have to skip the songs on my Ipod that that remind me of Mark and Sara - I can't listen to the song from their first dance, or the songs that they played at Mark's funeral. Even 12 months down the line. In all this, remember what I am feeling is a grain of sand in a desert compared to what Sara is going though.

I just wish I knew the why and the where and the when.

Why was he taken so young, when he had a wonderful life ahead of him with Sara?
Where has he gone?
When will it feel ok again?